digging holes
i've obviously not been feeling great (which comes as a surprise to absolutely no one, lol) these past couple of weeks, and didn't see much light at the end of the tunnel. in fact, all i managed to see was just a very, VERY long and dark tunnel. to top it all off i got some bad news in the past few days and just couldn't get rid of the feeling that i don't really matter much in this world, or even at all.
probably one of my worst traits is that when i'm in such a bad place, i eventually stop trying to pull myself out of the hole i'm in and just dig myself even deeper into it. and slowly but surely i convince myself that everyone around me is doing their part to bury me in it, too, until i'm just gone. as if that hole is where i belong, where everyone wants to see me. buried underground.
so after i've spent a good few days and weeks digging deeper and deeper, unable to ask for help because i was too far down and too afraid to do so in case no one would hear me, i was starting to adjust to where i had ended up. walls around me built of my own insecurities, reinforced by all the things i believe about myself. all those terrible thoughts about me coming alive and suffocating me. i was only waiting for everyone else to realise and finally bury me underneath them completely.
every tiny issue became a personal attack, every little thing meant rejection and proof that i wasn't of any value. the walls were caving in and there was clearly no way out of this.
until today, which didn't seem to be any different than the rest of my days lately, came around. and with it the realisation that there are still a few ropes leading out of my hole. ropes that had been thrown in from the outside. most of them are half ripped and it hurts like hell when i try to climb them, and it would probably be easiest to use them for the one, final escape so i would never make it out again.
but i don't think that's what they're there for. i wouldn't have been able to put them there myself, they had to be thrown in by people from the outside. i can either see this as yet another proof for everyone wanting me out of their lives, or i can see it as the help that i so desperately needed but didn't dare to ask for.
today, i chose the latter. i'm still in my hole, still unsure whether i'll ever be able to make it out, but i'm climbing. and as long as there's even only one single rope waiting for me, i'll try my best to hold on to it.
probably one of my worst traits is that when i'm in such a bad place, i eventually stop trying to pull myself out of the hole i'm in and just dig myself even deeper into it. and slowly but surely i convince myself that everyone around me is doing their part to bury me in it, too, until i'm just gone. as if that hole is where i belong, where everyone wants to see me. buried underground.
so after i've spent a good few days and weeks digging deeper and deeper, unable to ask for help because i was too far down and too afraid to do so in case no one would hear me, i was starting to adjust to where i had ended up. walls around me built of my own insecurities, reinforced by all the things i believe about myself. all those terrible thoughts about me coming alive and suffocating me. i was only waiting for everyone else to realise and finally bury me underneath them completely.
every tiny issue became a personal attack, every little thing meant rejection and proof that i wasn't of any value. the walls were caving in and there was clearly no way out of this.
until today, which didn't seem to be any different than the rest of my days lately, came around. and with it the realisation that there are still a few ropes leading out of my hole. ropes that had been thrown in from the outside. most of them are half ripped and it hurts like hell when i try to climb them, and it would probably be easiest to use them for the one, final escape so i would never make it out again.
but i don't think that's what they're there for. i wouldn't have been able to put them there myself, they had to be thrown in by people from the outside. i can either see this as yet another proof for everyone wanting me out of their lives, or i can see it as the help that i so desperately needed but didn't dare to ask for.
today, i chose the latter. i'm still in my hole, still unsure whether i'll ever be able to make it out, but i'm climbing. and as long as there's even only one single rope waiting for me, i'll try my best to hold on to it.
Comments
Post a Comment