reality

close to midnight and i've spent all day in bed once again. it's weird because while i do feel useless for doing so, i also somehow couldn't care less about it since there's no point in anything anyway these days. i get these types of mixed feelings a lot and they've been even more intense lately. i feel like a failure for not being productive enough, but when i do something with my day, it seems ridiculous, too. why did i even bother? who am i trying to fool?

it's almost like i've completely lost touch with reality and i'm too exhausted to do anything about it so i just let it happen. i can basically watch myself become more and more detached from everyone and everything, even from myself, and there's no stopping it. i try to stay in touch with the people i care about, i do my best to at least sometimes go for my exercise walk, i force myself to eat because i have to, but nothing seems to be real anymore. like the world doesn't exist. like i don't exist in it either. 

sometimes it scares me. the fact that everything seems so pointless, and nothing matters. i know i shouldn't be letting those thoughts get to me, but especially now it's so much easier to just give in and lose myself in them. what even is real anymore after all? it's all a blur lately and there's nothing i can do about it, so i guess i'll just keep watching myself fall.