why I'm still here

(possible tw: suicidal thoughts)

i’ve been struggling a lot lately and made this list to remind myself of things that are worth being alive for. some of these may sound ridiculous, but sometimes it’s really just the little things.

• music. discovering new songs. listening to my favourite bands all over again. eventually being able to play more than three chords on guitar (don't come at me, a girl can dream okay?) 
• concerts and festivals. the feeling i get at gigs when the artist comes on stage. spending a weekend in a muddy field getting sunburnt. drunkenly singing along to lil peep songs. 
• hugs. hugging the people i love after not seeing them for a while. or just hugging them in general tbh. feeling like things can be okay in that moment.
• nature. the sea. blooming flowers in spring. sunny mornings. a clear sky full of stars. mountains. the smell of summer rain.
• books. a new book from my favourite author. an unfinished book series. books that haven’t even been written yet. 
• christmas. the lights everywhere. the food. the christmas markets. spending time with my family. giving presents to others. advent calendars. christmas songs on the radio. mulled wine. 
• the people i love. long summer days with friends. nights out and not coming home until it gets light outside again. facetime calls with my family. seeing my friends happy. 
• food. getting takeaway after a long day. having a nice family dinner. finding new products i love. cooking and the meal turning out okay for once. stuffed crust pizzas. 
• travelling. discovering new places i’ve never been too. visiting countries and cities I’ve always wanted to see. returning to my favourite places and visit the people i met there.
• ...

I know it sounds cliche, but so far, everyone who's reading this made it through all of their bad days. I can only speak for myself, but there were hundreds of times where I thought I couldn’t go on anymore. That this was my breaking point for good. I still have those days now, and they still hit me hard, but you know what? I did make it through all of those breaking points, so who says I can’t make it through another 10 or 100 of them? It’s impossible to fall forever. It has been getting better before, so why shouldn’t it be possible to get better again? 

And even though I often feel like I’m alone in this world and a burden to everyone I know and love, I also try to believe that there are people who would miss me if I was gone forever. My brain tells me that they’re lying, but I want to believe that they're not. I’ve accepted that I probably always will be sad a lot, maybe more than others, and that there’s always gonna be days or weeks where life seems too much to cope with. But I also know that I can be happy and enjoy things, and that there are so many happy moments yet to come. There are times where I don’t leave my bed in days, but there’s also times where I laugh and smile without a care in the world, no matter how rare they might be. I want to hold on to those times.

Yes, sometimes it will still feel like the world comes crashing down on me, and it will hurt, and I will want to end it all again. But while suicide would end the pain, it would also end all the happy times that still await me. And I don’t want to give them up just yet.