how I met ana

(tw: eating disorders)

it's been a while, huh? I'm still here, though. not that anyone was wondering, but I'm still there. and BOY has it been a ride. 'cause you know what's also still there? my eating disorder. I call her ana. you know, short for anorexia. brilliant idea to call her that, isn't it. unfortunately I'm not the one who came up with it, but I use the name anyway so - today, I wanna tell you a little story of how I met ana. the most toxic 'friend' there is.

ana and I met quite a few years back in 2012. let's just ignore the fact that this was almost 10 years ago (seriously, who put me in a time machine?? I just wanna talk), but you could say we have some history. she was pretty shy at first, you know, like those people who are somehow always around on nights out but you only properly talk to a couple months after you've first seen them. ana was like that. and I won't lie, she was great at first. she attended gym classes with me, she made me try new recipes, we went to work by bike together. she was a constant in my life. she was there for me when everything else around me seemed to fall apart. and she was easy to be around because she was so quiet, sometimes you wouldn't even realise she was there.

but then ana began to change. she became loud and demanding. she wasn't the shy friend anymore, she always needed to be the center of attention. she wanted me to stop having snacks because it made her feel bad. she introduced me to calorie counting because she said it's important to have control. 'control your calories, control your body, control your life. got it?'. got it. she convinced me that I didn't actually like chocolate or crisps, and that I should rather have an apple instead. or even better, why have an apple when you could just have nothing? you might need those saved calories another time (never). 

after a while, the gym wasn't enough for her anymore either. she talked me into running up and down the stairs when my parents weren't home. 'you feel dizzy? you're just weak, have some water and do another 10 minutes. you'll thank me for it one day'. she stopped me from meeting people because she was afraid. 'that waiter you've just ordered a diet coke from? he definitely got the order wrong and will give you a full fat coke. it's not worth the risk. you can't trust anyone but me, you know that'. she took me on long bike rides to make up for a yogurt I had eaten without telling her. 

she was everywhere. she just wouldn't leave me alone, even when I asked her to. 'I've been with you through it all and this is how you're thanking me?'. she was the definition of toxic. honestly, she was scary. I was nothing compared to ana. after a while, it was almost impossible to see where ana ended and I began. we became so close, it felt as though we were one. and I was scared. how do you tell someone who used to be a friend that you don't want her in your life anymore? what would it be like without her? what if she's right? what if I AM her? 

(to be continued.)