loneliness

loneliness is a weird one. you can be alone and not feel lonely. but you can also be in a crowded place surrounded by people and feel like the loneliest person in the world. according to wikipedia, loneliness is an unpleasant emotional response to perceived isolation.

so why is it that even though we're not really isolated, we can feel lonely? why do we perceive ourselves as isolated? does that mean loneliness has something to do with ourselves and how we act - or rather, how we don't act? but if it's an unpleasant emotional response, then why do we put ourselves in that kind of situation? why do we think of ourselves as isolated when it's the last thing we want to be? 

for me, loneliness has everything to do with myself and how I think of myself. my loneliness is within me and it makes me feel lost. I have a hard time being alone because I'm scared of loneliness, I'm scared of the thoughts I have when I'm not constantly distracted, I'm scared of myself. but over all these years I've convinced myself that this miserable state I'm in is still better than taking the risk of opening up to someone, because that would give the other person the power of putting me from this situation of perceived isolation into actual isolation. 

because then, I would have the ultimate proof that this feeling of loneliness is my fault. because there's something wrong with me. because I will never be different. because I will never be better. because no one would stay if they knew the mess that I really am. because then, I would've given up my one chance to escape loneliness, only to be reminded of all the reasons why I will never be able to do so.

so I push people away and get scared when they come too close. I get scared when I get too attached to them. I get scared when I care about them. I spent a great deal of my life convincing myself that I can just about deal with my selfmade loneliness, that this is just the way my life is. 

I isolate myself more and more and do everything to sabotage the few meaningful relationships that I have, when all I really want is for someone to look through my facade. for someone to look through this vicious cycle of hurting myself and hurting the person I love over and over again. for someone to take my hand and tell me that no, this isn't how life has to be for you. this isn't who you have to be. but you have to try. you have to take risks. and I will be there with you.

so - this is me taking risks. this is me putting myself out there and saying I'm here and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for saying horrible things, I'm sorry for being unfair sometimes, I'm sorry for making things difficult. this is the scariest thing to do but I know it's worth it. if you're reading this, I'm sorry for hurting you and for saying things I didn't mean. I don't want life to be like this and somewhere deep down I know it doesn't have to be. and I will try so hard. I will take every risk there is until things are better. because they will be. because life doesn't have to be like this for ANYONE.